ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
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