She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
