If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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