My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
