Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize