i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
