My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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