Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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