Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
