I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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