I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
