Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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