I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
