In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
