He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
The struggles of a small town man whore
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
