tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
