can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
We need a shit load of segways right now
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
