She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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