my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
