cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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