dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
