i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
