My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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