i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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