This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
