Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
