then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
