He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
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