I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
