I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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