You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
