My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
