you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
