I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
