"it" just moved
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
