I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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