Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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