when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
pop tarts are not kleenex
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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