I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
