Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
