We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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