mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Its about making memories worth repressing
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize