my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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