Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
don't judge my taste in strippers
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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