OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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