You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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