I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
