I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
