I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Randomize
