so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Randomize
