I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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