this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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