a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
two words: eviction party
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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