I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
