can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Welp...herpes.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
