My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I think I just sharted jello shots
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