I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
