i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
