There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
