i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
