I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I want her autograph on my taint
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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