Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
