Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
it's great music for shaving your balls
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
