Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
operation have a gay friend backfired
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
