Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
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