Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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