Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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