please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
