i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
