My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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